my world

2011-09-21T23:12:00.000-07:00

you said 3 years. I was happy. Though I thought you wouldn't remember. was I right.

Weds, 21 Sept, 1:50 am

Everything will work out. Right. Please.

2011-08-05T15:15:00.000-07:00

I still love you after tt text.
Things will never be the same.

Hello haters on my chat. so glad you knw me so well. you shld fill my chat box more often.

2011-07-01T01:30:00.000-07:00

d'you love me as much. ily eh. idk if you believe me or nt. Cause I knw I always cause you pain. always. btw, d'you knw I'm jealous of the girl you first loved. The one you fell in love w. And it was a mutual feeling.. the one you spoke to, or learned the first phrase in french. ily. stop being so nice to me? aku cinta kau. (:

2010-11-03T23:51:00.000-07:00

idk whats up now a days, but everyone seems to be having lots of problems. with family and all, friends even.

i hope i dont lose my grandfather. he means the world to me and with all that stupid hospital shit going on, its putting too much stress on him and my grandma. operation after operation. is it that hard for the stupid ppl to diagnose whats happening to him? i hate that they keep screwing up and all. do you think we print money or smth. thank god for my granduncle and his generosity. we owe him alot. and aunty. ah useless to say all this now eh.
hope joe's mum's operation goes fine.
hope hope hope, idk whether its a useless word or not. seems like it.

on a side note, NATASHA MEOW NUFUU CHENG, IMY LOTS CAN YOU PLS COME BACK EARLIER THAN 28 NOV. ): why did you have to leave singapore then and leave ne all alone. thank god i know you wont be reading my posts so you wont need to feel all your guilt and all. wont make you feel bad for nth, best friend. wasnt ever your fault. <3! heh

2010-07-27T22:29:00.000-07:00

first of all, i'd like to start off saying i motherfucking hate being insecure. but then again, i might not be insecure and it might just all be reality right. how i wish thr was some way i cld do smth abt it. but i cant. i dont need to ask ppl the truth of what they're thinking. i dont need to ask them to take the third part point of view and help me blow away the not-likely-to-be-there haze distorting my sight.and im still evergrateful to those friends of mine i can share things with and know they wont judge me. they wont think im an idiot. far and fucking few are those ppl man. really.

ah i feel like such a petty idiot right now. feel? okay yah yeah stop it. i know you think i am. ugh. disgusted at myself, really. pathetic much.

2010-07-12T21:13:00.000-07:00

i have just realised the ppl that i've lost. aft reading those tags on the tagboard and stuff. idk why i didnt treasure those ppl more. i even miss the passerby i never knew the name of ): stupidity always gets the best of me. followed by regret. it gets quite painful sometimes and especially after you realise it. why am i that oblivious to the ppl who do actually matter around me. always end up losing them in the end, for the most stupid of reasons.

2010-06-30T02:45:00.000-07:00

i don't believe i keep on getting lied to over and over again. i dont believe i saw what i fucking just saw right in front of my eyes. printed on screen. i cant believe you cause me so much agony after all that fucking time i spent with you. i cant believe you're acting like that after you've alr got more than i bet you can handle. its hard to believe that you're so malicious and cunning. actually you know what, no its not. i've seen it with my own eyes. im getting so sick of you. this time you knew. you knew what i felt and you still did it. bloody ass hole. cant you just get over yourself and stop acting like everything's abt you, everything has to be abt you, and everything has to include you. fuck out of my life. i know you can afford it, so stop pretending like you can't. stop acting like everytime im out of your sight you need me to be right back whr i was. stop acting like you can't take it that im not with you and somewhere else all the time. stop acting like you give a flying FUCK abt me when I KNOW YOU DON'T. stop acting like you're miserable when i know you're getting on just FINE.
STOP MOTHER FUCKING AROUND WITH MY HEAD.
i can't believe im crying now because of you. fuck you.

i honestly cant take it anymore, and i dont wanna say i hate you anymore either. i hope for your sake and mine that im not so far gone as to say you're the worst. you like messing with me huh. you like putting up fronts with me huh. wait a little while more. i'll wait for the right time, and turn the whole mother fucking world against you a bunch at a time. just watch. you think i'm harmless? you think i'd be easily taken advantage of? you think i cant protect myself? you think i cant be a MALICIOUS and POISONOUS as you? you've got another think coming then. i dare say its gonna be worse than the last time, and this time, you've got none of us to fall back on. and i think im gonna enjoy myself a little, kick back and soak in your misery like a new, delicate winter leaf thawing in summer's sunlight. you're the one who's driving me insane, half off the road.

2010-06-07T05:04:00.000-07:00

it wldnt hurt to be just even a tiny bit appreciated ONCE in awhile right.
i hate that people dont understand or don't see the subtleties that go on right in front of their faces. i mean, i know that its supposed to be subtle and hence, you know, go somewhat unnoticed. but every single time? to the point whr you're either fucking good at being stealthy or you finally want to be recognised for your fucking deeds. annoying.

2010-05-19T01:45:00.000-07:00

what am i expecting frm you. who am i to you? ans: nobody. so why the fuck shld i care. except i do. im an idiot. a fucking idiot.
hi im an idiot and i dont feel like sleeping.
hi im an idiot and i feel like drinking.
hi im an idiot why do you care.
hi im an idiot why do i care?
hi im an idiot please set my brains on fire.
hi im an idiot can you not be so happy.
hi im an idiot i always lie.
hi im an idiot i dont wanna hurt your feelings.
hi im an idiot im very sensitive.
hi im an idiot im so split personalitied.
hi im an idiot cause im fat.
hi im an idiot cause im ugly.
hi im an idiot cause im pessimistic.
hi im an idiot im unruly.
hi im an idiot im rebellious.
hi im an idiot im coughing my lungs out.
hi im an idiot im secretly in pain.
hi im an idiot i always have my guard up.
hi im an idiot i wont admit alot of truths.
hi im an idiot there's something wrong with me.
hi im an idiot cause im so mean.
hi im an idiot cause im scared.
hi im an idiot cause i hold grudges.
hi im an idiot and i do what i like.
hi im an idiot cause i always give in.
hi im an idiot for always making the wrong choice.
hi im an idiot cause im paranoid.
hi im an idiot cause i irritate ppl.
hi im an idiot cause i feel like im useless.
hi im an idiot cause i know i dont deserve friends.
hi im an idiot cause i hate breaking/broken promises.
hi im an idiot cause i cant trust easily.
hi im an idiot i've got low self esteem.
hi im an idiot cause im not feminine enough.
hi im an idiot cause im not your typical girl.
hi im an idiot cause i am.
hi im an idiot and you know it too.
hi im an idiot and after reading all this shit, im sure you shldnt be my friend.
(and the list can go on longer.)
idiot idiot idiot.

2010-04-22T16:49:00.000-07:00

fuck my life now. italian isnt helping my mood at all. its bloody hard. i thought i'd be able to handle it; thought it wldnt be that hard. totally wrong. wtf i cant even grasp what the lecturer is saying half the time. ): almost broke down in class ytd. its gonna pull my gpa down like shit if i dont manage to do well. just this module will be the death of me. what will i say to my parents about my decresing grades. plus all the other shit happening now, i think im reaching my breaking point soon. the days are all a mess and a blur at the moment. monday seemed like ytd, and tmr's alr friday. it scares me sometimes how fast time is passing. it's like a race you know you'll never win. then what can you feel except disheartened, sad, distressed and all other negatives boxed into one?

i don't even know who i can turn to now for a listening ear. seems like everybody is so busy and caught up in their own dilemmas, or just plain unwilling to listen to me. maybe not unwilling, but i dont find it such a good idea to spew what im thinking like an erupting volcano to them. it just feels so.. wrong, unfair, selfish even. people got their own problems. why do they need to take on another mountain of burdens from someone they might not care abt a few years down the road? does it makes sense. even now after i tell ppl things, i mean what does it change? absolutely nothing. absolutely nothing at all. aside from that, if you do tell people things all the time, subconsciously and slowly, they'll start getting sick of it. sick of hearing you blabber all the time, sick of you becoming emo, sick of your presence, sick of you. sick of you as a person. how hard is that alr. i dont wanna lose people cause that's what starts happening no matter how hard you try to avoid it. i feel very inconsiderate.

im so sorry im such a bitter, cynical, emotionally wrecked person who cant seem to be fully alright all the time. i know it gets on all your nerves and im really grateful to you idiots(what else can i call you after putting up with all my bullshit whether you sincerely wanted to or not?) who've stayed by me for so bloody long. you dont know how deeply, sincerely grateful i am to you guys. (:

on a side note, at the end of this block, i'm gonna find a job with ryden. night jobs man:/ but all at the expense of my hair. shit. why does the world have to be so fucking conformist and unaccepting of people who arent the same as them. uniqueness and showing who you are; being who you want to be and no one else has been drilled into our heads ever since young. so why. why so hypocritical. why arent we accepted in the working world, or in the world generally, just cause we have different unnaturally coloured hair. such a trivial matter and immediately we are ostracised, labelled as inappropriates. wtf? a few piercings and we're deemed as what? uncultured? uncouth? fuck you guys i am probably more well learnt at my age then you guys will ever be in another 60 years time.

oh i realised, cause we are all stupid bitches known as 'humans'.

update again later. my blog is prob the only thing which'll listen fully to what im gonna say. how sad is my life. inanimate objects are the only things that i cant pour insubstantial feelings on. doesnt have a heart, doesnt have a brain doesnt have a mouth. was gonna say like me. but only the front applies, cause obviously, i do have a mouth.

2010-04-19T03:12:00.000-07:00

dont know why.

i'm afraid to fall asleep now.

a few times already it's happened.

i didnt know it was possible.

how can a person cry in their sleep. not wake up then start crying, but be asleep, start crying, and then wake up and realise it.

yesterday was the worst so far.

crying when im unconscious? does that make sense at all? all along i thought i cldnt cry for some funny reason, when i was awake and conscious. maybe i was wrong all along? maybe i cldnt cry not cause i didnt want to, but cause i was subconsciously controlling it. that way it makes sense, right..?

tearing when i stone, crying when im asleep, crying when im drunk? all happens when i lose control of my mind and im unaware of it.

that's when the memories/images/feelings/emotions/what have you, all start edging out from the dark corners of my mind.

i dont like it.

there's almost always the same 'trigger'.

it scares me.

it makes me vulnerable.

i can't stop it.

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And when you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

And when you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah

And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And when you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

And when you're gone
All the words I need to hear will always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you

i dont wanna sleep, but i think i shld. im afraid. what's going on.

2010-03-04T01:39:00.000-08:00

i guess i'm gonna self destruct no matter what. if not sooner, then later. confirm. i dont think i want to do anything stupid though. so my guess is i'll live through it all. -.-

today when you did that it caught me by surprise. granted, i was stoning, and tired, but whoa it kinda stunned me for more than a moment. sorry i took to long to react, because i seriously was so confused and didnt know what to do at tht point in time. i can say though, for sure, that it was a damn good feeling. shit. i played it off well, acted like i normally wld. and i think it worked. idk. okay. maybe its just a feeling of protectiveness? its getting all mixed up in my brain and i cant seem to separate it and get it all cleared up.god but you somehow seem to always make me smile. intentionally or not. whether you wanted to or not. it doesnt matter to you, but it does to me.
okay i shld stop thinking abt it alr. even though it wasnt even direct. happy. ah well. nuts. what the fuck is goin on. ok.bye.

2010-02-10T23:43:00.000-08:00

Athazagoraphobia.

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2010-02-10T23:28:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, 10 Feb, 2010. 11:28 pm

2010-02-04T19:45:00.000-08:00

"and then... imma KILL HIM WITH A HAMMA."

idk why it still scares me when i see that number. its not like you guys are still here to do anything. but i worry alot what happens over there and what kind of news im gonna hear next. it's like taking ice and shoving it into your spine. of course i miss you, but it's never the same when you're around. never. all those times you were here it felt so cold and unfamiliar. not a hi or bye, nothing in between.

i'll finish this post later.

2010-02-02T03:09:00.000-08:00

submission for first assignment is on thurs. today's tues. and i still have NO FUCKING IDEA what im supposed to be doing! shit.
i hate having colds. it totally kills my body temperature. wanted to die the whole day today, really buey tahan. nb. and the heat today was killer! more so with the weird temp fluctuations inside me:/ they shld install fans in dungeon (: hah yeah bs.

people never think of the subtle thoughts behind words. the good ones anyway. for example, when your friend buys 2 exact same things, and gives you the one with less, then you'd prob think negatively. like 'she gave me the one with less, greedy): ' but in actual fact she saw hair drop into the other one so she gave you the more hygienic one to eat. or she's walking and smoking and pulls you to walk on one side. cause the smoke is blowing into your face, but you dont mind. she minds. or when you're sitting on a chair and she has only a slightly broken chair to sit on. you pretend that that was your seat before and ask to change. just cause you're afraid something happens or they get hurt or are uncomfortable or smth.
you get the point?
subtlety.
idk, seems like no one ever notices or bothers to think twice abt why ppl do the things they do for another. i dont think they should blatantly say it so the other party can fawn over them and melt. i just think the person wld be much much happier to know that they arent sacrificing for fuck. anybody wld, right.
or maybe its just me thinking too much again.
(feels like jumping down from the 25th lvl due to influenza)

AIDA: i promised to write a post abt you rmb?(: you know i always tease you and shit, but i still love you. dont give a fuck abt the past, what you did and didnt do. what matters is you've ALR changed. and it's for the better. now you have us to set you on track. you have a certain spark that makes you You, and for some reason, when you're around everyone is automatically that much happier. you do more for us then you know and i love you for that. all your insecurities, disabilities, vulnerabilities - chuck them out the window cause you know we'll accept you for who you are and nothing less. we've got your back physically and emotionally so let go of the things you couldn't before and trust us to carry your burdens together and along side you. you know you can confide in us anything and everything(: cause we'll be here for you no matter good or bad <3
~~(i swear, if you use any of these mushy, sincere, heart felt words and quote me. you die. i will throw you off pondok bridge!)~~

2010-01-30T00:42:00.000-08:00

im thoroughly depressed and confused right now. something's not right. i think i shld blog tmr. alright.

whoa, you keep running through my mind. since i've met you not too long ago, i can't seem to keep you from suddenly appearing in my head.

2010-01-12T22:22:00.000-08:00

mundane oddity. doesnt feel the same doesnt feel right doesnt make you feel comfortable. twinges of regret. avalanches of sorrow. same bitter feeling as drinking thinner. pulse like a stampede of wild horses and instincts as sharp as a tiger's. tears arent as healing as they're portrayed to be. its an outlet for pent up feelings but in the end its only psychological. constant stand still. frozen movement. ice cutting like shards of glass. molten lava freezing time forever. stuck on the rim. brink of extinction extinguishing last flame. burning drift wood. silent prick of pain. forgetting friends like prominent sticky notes. glue that doesnt stick. battle for wants. things that just dont go your way. a rose that's so beautiful, yet so painful to hold on to. sakes that run high. friendships fading and detaching like a 500 year old painting. distinguished invisibility. a drop in heart beats. the noise in so much silence. beautiful hazards. defining lines. lingering nothingness. black-holes and mysteries. feelings that cant be explained like the bermuda triangle. evanescence of myself. life and its time. instant and without warning. dreams and silhouettes. ominous foreshadowing. feelings that bind. rain that washes away everything and nothing. contradictory facts. anarchy, conformity, and all the people who believe in it. being different to be all the same. blasphemy. blood shed like petals of crimson. abundance of scarcity. evolution of advancements. holy matrimony, broken families.

failure.

2009-12-28T02:55:00.000-08:00

i dont know why. cry cry cry, pls cry, me. i want me to cry. i dont know what im supposed to be doing now.

natasha slapped me on friday night. the first one i blocked. then i realised: why did i do that. i deserved it. so when she tried the second time, i didnt bother blocking. she probably thought i cldnt. honestly, i just didnt see the point. i thought that maybe i'd cry after i'd felt the pain inflicted by someone else. but no, i still didnt. i laughed. maybe i really shld be locked in an asylum for the insane. i swear i want my heart ripped out right now so i can start all over. but this is reality, and we're in a cruel joke called life. its sadistic and cynical and brings out the worst in all of us. so i guess my heart is staying where it is and in however it is forever.

just only while reading someone's blog, i felt like crying, but guess what! brilliant and totally unpredictable news! i didnt. (: awesome shit right! totally. ~~not.~~ i miss kelly, nat, shan, js, khai, mich, ash, cliff, grace, ht, sheryl, jy(zach), brandon, shah, mz, ratna, anisa, ahmad, hafiz, angie, melvin, nick, uriah, gary, freda, ryden, ak, val, nat, andy, sarah, and a thousand million other ppl. all of which i cant have and i cant do anything abt it. how it shatters and pierces a human's heart to know all this. i say human because only humans can be so stupid and naive to bring this all upon themselves, by themselves. whether consciously or subconsciously.

ramblings. naggings. im gonna turn into an old grandma soon. D: talking abt that. reading my friend's post makes me think of how things are with my grandparents nw too. its all that she describes and more. but its so different. and reading her posts, its started to dawn on me im gonna be like her one day. and i dont want that. i dont need it. i dont need more pain and suffering and helplessness. im taking it all for granted. i know it, but what. what am i doing. what am i not doing.

recently these few days its been almost too much to bear. im standing ON the line thats been drawn. i cant go back ~~and~~ but there's only forward. and thats the breaking point. that fine, thin line that's uneraseable. permanent. i think im just gonna balance on it. im not gonna step off. i dont want to.

respirator. life-support? will.

2009-12-19T04:21:00.000-08:00

i just read smth. how do i know that it's being directed at me? idk, i just do. fuck. the one sentence which i had been thinking abt every minute previously, which i chose not to say out because i thought it was just a figment of my imagination, just got put onto FB. so easily and unjudged. how is it what i thought was just stupid thinking, came out from someone else's mouth too? what the fuck. and now ppl are gonna think the other way. no but they dont even know who the person is talking abt. either way, im thoroughly pissed off and in denial that the person cld possibly have said that when i know its the other way around. never saying hi or bye anymore unless i say it first. what the fuck are you my king or queen or smth? fuck off man! srsly, and you have the CHEEK to say that shit?! damn you at least im more considerate.

and another thing. i really really dont like it when ppl avoid calls and msges at the same time. have courtesy pls? fuck, if not one, then the other. both and i'll wanna shove a white hot rod down your throat and out your ass. you say that shit, but im starting to get annoyed. dont do this i really dont wanna be so pissed off anymore. or rather, i dont wanna be pissed with certain people. dont.

~~it's 4.21, and im gonna start. wtf is wrong with me?~~

this is why i say fuck that, who cares. why get hurt by giving a fucking shit?

2009-12-07T16:55:00.000-08:00

sitting in the same room as all of you hurts. idk if its cause you want attention or smth, thats why you like to keep me in the dark. but just so you know, im not that kind of person who'll poke and prod until you decide that it's enough and you'll finally tell me. srsly, if it's that much i'd rather you just say 'ask yourself' intead of playing it like a game and making me feel bad. i dont like your face when you decide its something you want to keep for yourself and i cant know it cause the person didnt tell me for themselves. if it's like that, then why do you bother asking me anything. must YOU know? leave me alone then. why do other people have to tell YOU what's up with me? if you wanna play it that way, i dont have to know abt you, you can just stay the fuck out of my life too. dont you think? i hope nobody cares abt this blog for the moment until i start updating it with happier things, real or fake. in order to not make ppl around me worry, i'll bring it to the max. i think the only person that hasnt forgotten around me is _ but maybe thats cause she's in my class this sem so she still hangs out with me. ~~sometimes.~~ hurts like fuck that idk whats going on either. and you cant be thr cause you're going through shit too but im glad you're still noticing. the rest, they dnt give a fuck. what else can i say.
shit wasnt the last post abt this too? kinda? im becoming senile. woops.
hm.
yet again, surrounded but lonely. sad. quiet. frustrated. annoyed. disturbed. anguished. scared. dejected. despairing. lachrymose. embittered. detached. confused. fucked up.
and to make things worse, more people i dont wish to be near because it hurts too much just walked into the room.
my heart's been hurting, physically not emotionally. why. ~~maybe it's working up again?~~ idk, painful. and they don't know the half of it. everything. not even half. fuck. i think i really am gonna take up aida's suggestion and have some water pipes inserted into myself.

at least im a good liar. thats the only thing im happy abt. thats the only thing i know for sure im good at. if you think you know when im lying, you've got another think coming. i lie when i lie, and i lie when im not lying. think abt it.

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2009-12-07T13:13:00.000-08:00

Monday, 7 Dec, 2009. 1:14 pm

dunno why everyday now i wanna cry. but i cant. fucked up shit. want to but cant. i can tear, but nothing else. the last time i cried hard was like, 3 years ago? i don't think any amount of pain will do anymore. tried it all, doesnt seem to have any effect. i wonder if animals cry. weird thought. all these pent up and fusion of emotions shldnt be kept in. but thr's no way i can express it either. beautiful poems, lyrics, compositions: how do they do it? i miss my best friends, my friends. i feel distant and we're growing apart. the way they treat me feels all wrong and confusing. her and her and her, all the same. i didnt mean to do it. with time comes distance, but i wish it didnt have to be that way. frustration seeps in like the morning sun, and like that, it gets more and more intense as hours pass. till you can't take it. but then, when it gets too hot, the sun and the clouds, the weather, mothernature. things react, and you get rain. doesnt happen that way for me. though i wish it did.
even now, surrounded with people, it feels all empty and desolation gets the better of me. like they dont give a fuck, that whether i was there or not it wldnt have made a difference. then again, why wld it right? who am i to these people who are so secure, so loved. doesnt make sense for me to wonder what wld happen if one day i left. they dot notice either. whatever. painful as it may be. i just dont feel like i belong with anyone. they care, but do they? they're getting sick of me and i can tell. so i don't say or do anything as much. that's the way it's supposed to be isnt it? for me anyway.
when i'm feeling down, i won't show it anymore. put on that buried mask and walk out into the piercing light with all the hidden agenda i can put into it. be there for those who deserve it and need it more than myself. what do i matter anyway? from the start? selfishness isnt me. i'd rather give everything i have to others like i have been doing. more, if not everything. they dont notice that either. good. forced smiles, forced happiness, forced pretence, forced ignorance. actually it all comes naturally so it wont take much effort anyway.
that day my mum said she found my old blog, i was pissed off. or was i scared? then again wasnt i hoping she wld know what i was thinking? then why? nvm it doesnt matter now anyway.

people say you're strong. on the contrary, i think weakness is more like it. if not, why put up that front? you're weak and therefore you put up a strong mask you can hide behind so no one will be able to see. that's your vulnerability, and your best weapon.

2009-11-18T00:56:00.000-08:00

damn bastards. why the fuck are you doing this. i swear i'll shoot the eyeballs out of your brainless sphere attached to your body if you DARE to touch my friend. one more time. i don't care what she is saying, you will die. she told me not to, but for the sake of my other friend and not letting her get hurt, i will kill you. and i am capable of it. just a inch more, come on i dare you. fucking coward. how dare you try to go behind our backs and send that to her huh. how much more shallow can you get? you think you're the only one who's got fight in you? you think you're mature? i beg to differ. pull anything stupid, and fuck. you'd WISH you were in the lowest circle of hell ENJOYING what they'd be doing to you, instead of what you'd be in for in my hands. understand? you fucking low lifed ass hole.
plus, dont you have any decency? come on. i know you're some chao ah beng (WANNABE) but don't think i dont know. guys do not TOUCH the girls. never. bungs & butches, maybe a diff story. but girls? never. unless you're telling me you dont even understand simple 'rules' or you're just too much of a scum to follow it. fucking ass hole. then again, you might just be that dumb ass who does try to pull smth. don't forget, you're above 18. you go to jail, dearie. if i stabbed you, i'd prob get expelled? and then girls home? community service? and you? tsk tsk. makes me happy just to think abt it.(: and i know my way around some rules. do you? shall not disclose it here, just that i prob wldnt be charged at all, if you know what i knew. good luck-- nah take it back. when i'm done with you, you'll be a sight for sore eyes, promise (:
so fucking fucking fucking pissed off right now you cld melt metal with my blood. i want to drink. bitch and bastard, you're better off tgt, leave my friends alone. one is selfish and too 'into' themselves, and the other is a maniacal fucktard who can't mind their own business. douche bags. did i forget to mention they're both cowards? chao beng & chao lian. eh damn good tgt what, so why not? leave ppl who dont deserve it out.

those rumours that are going around, arent true. now shut up and let me live my fucking life again. pls (:

2009-11-16T03:56:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skBjGV2E6VE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skBjGV2E6VE
i like these vids cause of the lyrics. and they're nice. not cause i like korean boy bands or girl bands and whatever shit.

how do you get close to a person, who you know resents you and your friendship? sucks because idk what to do and i know kinda what that person is feeling. idk if it's as bad? and idk what to do if they were sad or smth. sigh. i mean, normal ppl yeah. of course that wldnt be too much of a prob? not saying i get close to alot of ppl for no reason and shit. but like, if they're.. them? try hard as you might, maybe you will nv get to know them really. talking to them you wldnt call them fake, or real. they'd be normal. but yeah. sigh. how. ~~i hate it when im so good at lying.~~
how do you get close to a person thats just like you?

i dont know if im starting to like that person. but i can't. case things are complicated.

2009-11-13T01:03:00.000-08:00

thank you kels for helping me with my essay. i swear i wld be dead by now if it weren't for you. srs shit man. day before shot till 1+. gg. dead tired.

today talked to val abt things. dunno what to say, really. love you lots val. and im srs. (:

you hurt my feelings,
but you dont give a fuck.

2009-11-03T03:56:00.000-08:00

im tired.
im sorry.
im pissed off.
im hurt.
im not ok.
i dont care.
i wanna quit.
i wanna die.

okay no im perfectly fine, and so is my hand.

silhouettes of broken dreams.

2009-10-31T02:46:00.000-07:00

i dont know how long i can keep up this act. today itself was pain enough.
but i know gotta keep on going.

2009-10-30T03:11:00.000-07:00

you don't have to give a shit, i know you don't want to. depressed and dejected. i'd still like to know, why you would pretend to give a fuck.

-----

2009-10-30T02:14:00.000-07:00

Friday, 30 Oct, 2009. 2:14 am

i'm so sorry
that i dont make you feel any better,
that idk what to say when you're down,
that i cant make you smile when i know thats what you need,
that i can't fill the space between our conversations so i dont make you feel uncomfortable,
that you're hurt and i don't know what to say,
that im boring,
that you prefer someone else to me,
that i hold you back,
that i dont make you happy,
that i dont make you laugh,
that i give you trouble,
that i ruin everything for you,
that im not good enough for you,
that i know i shld just not get in your way,
that i know im just feeling insecure,
that i believe you wont leave me,
that i dont say much,
that i dont click with you as well as others,
that i honestly dont know what to do,
that you're my friend and idk how to show you i love you too.

maybe all im feeling is nothing and its being over played in my head. no but im sure. like i told friend just now, : it doesnt matter what i say, and if ppl dont understand it, as long as i do. in fact, idc if they dont understand, cause i know you all think im daft but i know what im saying. and i meant everything i wrote.
now im dead tired. like really fuck dead tired. but i dont want to leave a friend.

2009-10-29T03:54:00.000-07:00

it's as if.. the world is alr forgetting abt me. even ppl i know. it hurts like fuck. but i promised i wldnt complain when that day came. so i wont.

i wear a mask,
but now there's a crack in it.

2009-10-27T03:39:00.000-07:00

what the hell is wrong with me la fuck.

thank god ppl dont notice me and stuff. if not i'd prob not want to go back to sch anymore. but what makes me think they'll care anyway? ah whatever, life's so screwed anyhow. a disease starting with the letter D is starting to get to me. i honestly hope 1 day when i'm walking all alone somewhr that an airplane will fall out of the sky and onto me and burst into flames that can melt metal so i'll be so burnt that im ashes.

ohmyfuck. stupid me. dont make me do this to me.

2009-10-14T03:51:00.000-07:00

things have suddenly hit me really hard. why didnt i notice before? what am i gonna do.

i feel like throwing up.

2009-10-13T04:37:00.000-07:00

i honestly dont know whats going on now. not in the 'blur' way but the what-the-fuck-is-wrong way. am i that useless that i cant even understand my friends? like okay maybe its cause i dont know them as well as i want to yet. but i just feel so angry at myself that i can't make them feel better. or i dont know whats bothering them so i can help them with it. feels to me like they dont give a shit abt me anyway. but shld i be at all surprised giving the kind of person that i am? i shld prob have no friends at all in the first place? i'll never hold a grudge against anyone if they leave me behind. if im meant to be forgotten, then so be it. i'll shut up and not put up a fight. it's hard for me to get close to a person. why? hurts like a nail being hammered through my skull when i think of friendship, and my foolishness to think that ppl wld care abt me the same way i care abt them. cast out and forgotten. am i that worthless to all of you? slowly day by day i can feel that im being forgotten more and more. like i dont fit in anymore and shld be a misfit for all my life. im lucky for all the ppl i meet and actually bond with but it bugs me to no end wondering if that'll all come to an end. maybe im not cut out for those 'beautiful lifetime friendships'? insecurity around ppl always wraps around me like a thick, invisible fog whenever im with ppl. though i try very hard not to show it. i wish somebody wld notice all of it. understand me maybe? but thats too much to ask. who cld?

one day the world is just gonna leave me behind. and when that day comes, i wonder. will i be happy that they dont have me there to cause them more hindrance? or will i be sad that i'll truly be left all alone? i dont wanna be selfish.

2009-10-11T04:01:00.000-07:00

shit la stupid shirts. i wanted it damn badly and the first day i asked the sales girl how much it was, she told me 34.90 so i thought ok la not so bad cause the shirt was damn nice. then next day went back the price tag wasnt thr so i asked how much it was again and she said 59.90. FIFTY NINE FREAKING NINETY. I WAS FUCKING SAD CAN. like nooooooooooooooooooooo. urgggggggggg BROKE MY HEART INTO TINY PIECES ): i really wanted that shirt! fuck. then i thought like nvm la. nxt time. THEN AT THE SAME SHOP isaw another fucking nice shirt. 59.90. I SWEAR IF I HAD A KNIFE I WLD HAVE STABBED MYSELF THR AND THEN. ): WHA. MY HEART FROM SHATTERED PIECES, BECAME DUST ALRDY AND GOT BLOWN AWAY BY THE WIND. DAMN IT. DAMN SAD. like, really pls. WHY THE FUCK ARE SG'S THINGS SO EXPENSIVE? PLUS I REALLY REALLY LIKE THAT SHOP ): nooooooooooooooooooo. bloodymothercow. so in the end i didnt get either. sure to regret it la but whatever beggars cant be stupid. no money still want to spend like i own a bank? yeah right. save the money better. help my grandparents. but i can still feel sad. and yes i am. STILL SAD. sad until you dunno how pls. haven't bought anything new in like, last yr? 11 mths? close to a year shit. ok whatever i wont rant anymore.
past 3 days has been ~~heart breaking~~ fun. yeah man. later another outing (: but first i gotta meet shan to get my jeans which i left at her hse the last time. meet her at 1.30 at vivo then mrt to newton to meet esther and then to orchard by 2. i know its stupid cause i'll be going backwards frm newton to orchard after i come from vivo, but whatever la i told her i'd meet her first. why the hell am i still awake though.

okay how do i help my sis i know she's struggling. i need and want to help her but idk how. i know she wants things to go well for herself and i want that too. i don't think she knows how to get it. and i dont want her to make the same mistakes i did. i dont wanna get on her nerves and i really do love her alot. she's got hope. right now she likes someone and i know she's confused and stressed abt it. :/ poor girl i hope she gets that person. and if one day, EVER, ~~that person~~ ANYONE hurts her, they. are. so. fucking. dead.

2009-10-06T02:13:00.000-07:00

maturity.
maturity.
when an older sibling gives way to their younger siblings to avoid a fight?
when children know not to disturb adults during a serious conversation?
when a person knows right from wrong, doing it just right or going too far?
revenge, or keeping it all in knowing that the other person who caused you the hurt isn't even worth it?
accepting that death will come sooner or later?
knowing you can't always get what you want?
when governments, presidents, kings, queens and all powers of authority know how to abstain from wars at all costs because it just hurts innocent bystanders?
when children know sacrifice for life or death?
maturity.
i was thinking about it. and wondered why some people of the same age are so mature while others arent. i thought :'maybe its cause some are forced into it?' like maybe they've gone through much more than other kids their age have. so they HAVE to become mature? but then again, it's not like that. they have to UNDERSTAND first right? they have to be WILLING to accept and understand before they grasp the situation and LEARN to be mature enough. so maturity can't be forced, it has to be LEARNT. right? maturity isn't all about thinking alot and then doing nothing about it. like say: hm. okay the world is at war now. there are soldiers everywhere and any noise i make could mean someone close by dies in a raid. time to go back to playing my loud-ass video games and blasting my music just so im satisfied. --wtf? that's immature. but then again, immaturity also means being childish. children: they don't comprehend the dangers and extents of anything. be it the situations or the consequences. but then again, the opposite of childishness, is being an adult? why does immature carry the word CHILD in its same meaning of 'CHILDishness'? why not 'ADULTishness'? get my drift? like how when im typing this the dictionary had no problem with 'CHILDishness' cause it is a word, and then it highlights 'ADULTishness' in red cause there's NO SUCH THING? i don't understand why its so biased. mature children and immature adults are two very REAL things, are they not? and i've seen ALOT of adults who ALSO don't act the opposite of childishly. childish adults. an oxymoron? mature kids. an oxymoron?
maturity.
when adults say 'grow up!' doesnt it mean 'be more mature!' ? what if the kid is already 'mature' in a sense? why dont kids say to adults 'grow up!' ? is it because adults are already grown up and saying it to them just seems a little odd? it shldn't be, right? because in the sense, isn't it the same?
watching cartoons, immature?
forgetting, immature?
feeling emotions, immature?
not following mainstream cultures, immature?
acting the way you are and not the stereotyped way, immature?
you, alone, standing up to everyone else about your own beliefs while they beat you down about it. immature?
needing to depend on someone, immature?
needing someone to be by your side. immature?
why're all these things immature? i don't see why they are. maybe it's cause im immature? but i dont think so. i just think i dont see things the way most 'adults(?)' do. its like the way CONVENIENCE defines the thin line of right and wrong. :
'you're already an adult! do it by yourself!' / 'you're not allowed to! you're still a child in my eyes.' confusing and FRUSTRATING much?
mature and immature, such a fine line.

what is all this insane rambling coming from me? i don't understand half of what i've written.

2009-10-02T03:04:00.000-07:00

damn tired. waiting for music to load but its taking foreverrrrrrrrrr. think its cause i tried to d/l too many songs at once:/ yeah must be.
today was quite a happy day i think(: a few disappointing things but overall still (Y) heh.
going to Ratna's hse on sat. i swear when you jalan raya you learn ALOT of new words. hahahahha and its awesome fun. Ahmad's and Shah's mum DAMN DAMN DAMN cute! O:
okay goodnight going to mac tmr with my sis to watch her study. maybe i'll sketch too.

2009-09-29T16:52:00.000-07:00

i am really so damn bloody pissed off right now.

2009-09-29T04:12:00.000-07:00

today was Ahmad's birthday(: Happy Birthday Ahmad! congrats on turning 20! (i know you think you're still 17 la O:) celebrated for him at Vivo which was extremely fun. poor angie hurt her finger though. got a MASSIVE splinter in it and i helped her take it out though it caused her immense pain ): sorry angie ): but seriously the splinter was HUGE. D: scary. update more abt Vivo later when im awake again. cheers!
feels like it hasn't rained in ages. it probably hasn't. ah well. im super tired. shld stop sleeping so late in the morning :/ got a doc's appointment later and then out at 5 again :/ i think i need a planner D: somehow though, it wld only seem to be good during the holidays. wonder why?
tues: doc's appt and gymming
weds: jalan raya and before that, out with a senior
thurs: netball at sc? and dinner with 4CO
fri: free day? can't rmb.
sat: Ratna's open hse
damn. why so busy? ):

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of the truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.

2009-09-25T02:00:00.000-07:00

lately it's been weird. can a person be meaning to cry? im guessing not and im just weird. ah well that's big news.
everytime i see you, i try not to look. i know im supposed to know you but it isn't that easy for me. all the rest seem to have no prob just going hey but my mouth just clamps shut and refuses to utter a friendly greeting whenever you're around. still it isnt easy for me to do what im doing and as usual i've already quite given up because like always, it'll probably never get past where it is now. with experience comes acceptance so im just gonna live with it like i've done oh-so-many-times. and let everything pass me by as if i dont care. and lie to myself and others when they ask just so when it's proven i won't need to take a hit and kill myself more. i wish normal pills wld work for that. but thr's been no invention of it yet.

i'll do what i do best -- pretend not to care.

2009-09-22T02:53:00.000-07:00

fuck im so screwed.
my portfolio and journal is due tmr for Justin and i dont have ANYTHING done. damn it. im so bloody pissed off right now. my hunger's not helping me much.
ok i've still done nth. i'll just get an mc tmr and pass my work to Justin on weds. fuck i hope he doesn't wanna kill me too badly and i hope the fucking system is still working. -.- im off to sleep right now.

a gunshot on the floor

i think i just might be.

2009-09-09T01:43:00.000-07:00

nth much to blog abt today. just that im getting more and more annoyed -- you know. and sry to Shah and Anisa and MZ for the sudden scariness abt the whole waiting thing. not your fault maybe im just pmsing (though i highly doubt it) but yeah whatever man who cares (: after class went for DESIGN GETS PHYSICAL-NETBALL. I CANT EXPRESS HOW FUCKING HAPPY EXHILARATED HIGH EUPHORIC ECSTATIC I AM THAT I GOT TO PLAY AGAIN. eventhough it's been like, a year and a half since i last touched a netball? shit the moment started playing again the feeling was indescribable. i miss everything abt it man. sigh. wont get to play it often but as long as i get to its fine ((: extremely happy. yeah thats abt it for today. dunno if thr's anything wrong with my knee after playing but i dont think so. which makes me even happier. my right knee did gve way so i ended up sitting on the floor :/ but THANK GOD my left knee is fine :DD bahahahahha(x
trying to come up with ideas for my 3D art fundamentals final right now. gonna slp by 2. if anyone disturbs me, they dieeee D:
OH SHIT OH SHIT. TODAY'S 09.09.09!!

2009-09-07T16:21:00.000-07:00

creast and 3D are killers. didnt sleep for 2 nights in a row just trying to finish my work. and then was late for sch the next morning and got scolded. fml man. slept through the class cause i didnt give a shit anymore. Shan's birthday coming up on the 19th and we're going back THR again. wtf right :/ damn embarrassing.
anyway. just saw Rambo 4 on Uriah's com. fucked up shit. bodies being decimated and shot in half and heads blown off and cut in half and ew ew ew. LOL but damn funny too. EXCITING SIOLZZZZZ. ABI SAYS HI. and she's being weird.:D okay my whole class is weird. now they'r creating new names for me. new topic man -.-
annoying person annoying me. sigh. should relax a little. why so pissed?:/ Shah being cute xD anisa saying she's cute. and ku ku disappeared off to be cute somewhr else (: ahahaha ok im procrastinating.
things i have to do:
- mobile by tmr
- 3 ideas for 3D final, complete with sketches, dimensions, materials used and concept.
- 12 journal entries. but that one can wait a little longer, maybe do a few.
- paper making by tmr so it can dry by fri
yeah i think thats about it. sounds like so little man. as if ._. im dead ):

-----

2009-09-07T04:15:00.000-07:00

Monday, 7 Sept, 2009. 4:15 am

pls stop annoying me. sigh.

2009-08-24T01:39:00.000-07:00

i was so fucking wasted ytd that i dont rmb anything that happened after 3 am. i was saying bullshit that wasnt true. like saying that i liked this guy that i DONT. omfg. kill me pls. and he took care of me for the rest of the night. damn it how come i cannot rmb. then shan damn fierce can. ah wtf wtf. no more wasted days for me pls. NO MORE. DAMN MALU PAI SEH WTF. and the best part?! THE GUY ASKED ME TO CALL HIM WHEN I GOT HOME. FUCK?! AS IF I WLD. gahhhhhhhhhhhh. whatever. ytd was just a try out only so yeah. not doing anything as dumb as that again. ugh. why am i so brilliant. tmd.

other than that, i had a great time with shan the past few days. miss her like nobody's business. D: i miss someone else too come to think of it but i shant mention the person's name. cause its stupid. anyhow. my head's feeling kinda numb and as usual, i dont have a hang over(: which is great cause.. well yeah cause of the obvious reasons.

i dont want sch to start laterrrrrrr. 1 mth of waking up at 7 in the freaking morning and getting back at like, 7+ is gonna suck like shit. and thats not including the work time or the staying back time im gonna have to do. how to survive dammit! oh hey but the good news is i'll get to see everyone again. AND THERE'S TEH PING. O: AWESOME. ahahahha. ok retarded. im hungry.
yay. ok, bye.

2009-08-22T01:07:00.000-07:00

haven't blogged in an extremely extremely long time D: nth much to say cause idk whr to begin. um. free block is kinda fun. helped out with esther's locvid proj quite a bit. got freaking bronchitis): went out. caught up with some ppl. stayed at home. sleep. kinda cool but tiring cause you gotta constantly find things to do. anisa and i always go back to sch for teh ping also. :D so retarded uh :D go to sch just to drink teh ping and slack(: but yeah enjoyed every bit of company i had. even met some ppl for the first time ((: hurhurhurrrrrrr anywayyyyyy

- i wont admit it. i wont admit it. i wont admit it. but everytime you look my way and smile i go a little nuts. but im still not sure abt anything ):

2009-07-21T00:51:00.000-07:00

today was a weirdly eventful day. apart from not getting any sleep ytd, i had still not finished sketching things into my sketchbook. left for sch at arnd 12.20. after around half an hr in sch, I SUDDENLY GOT A DIRT RASH. ok, actually now that i think of it, maybe it was a heat rash? anyway, i was kinda pissed off that it happened at that moment. so i went to the toilet and attempted to wash myself with the hand soap a little to get rid of the rash cause that normally works. but idk how i got the rash in the first place. i BATHED BEFORE GOING TO SCH. i always do DD: thats why im suspecting it wasnt a dirt rash and more of a heat rash. cause i was feeling kinda hot though thr was air con. so, i had a brilliant idea (or was it shah's idea?) to go have a bath in sch! :DD yay! ._. so me, anisa, and shah went to the bookshop to buy soap. THR IS NO LIQUID TYPE OF BODY WASH DD: lousy. only the Johnson's bar one:/ tsk. so paid 85c for that and went to the sports complex showers((: used tissue too dry off -.- what else cld i do? oh and i threw away the soap. kinda regretting wasting it now. but its really inconvenient to carry bar soaps arnd! the sch shld invest in liquid types!! and the rash started to disappear. :D was kinda getting really irritated with the blotches appearing earlier. went off to class happily(: i wont ever forget that incident. ahahahha then when we got to class we spent some time looking at ghost pictures on the sfogs website which is up again?(since when?) then i started to do my work and touch up on one of the locational sketches i had. when it was my turn to see amanda, SHE TOLD ME I CLDNT USE THOSE LOCATIONAL SKETCHES THAT I SPENT FREAKING 2 DAYS ON CAUSE THEY WEREN'T "LOCATIONAL". meaning i didnt draw them on location and on the spot.) DAMN. WASTED FUCKING EFFORT. fml man! srsly! then i told her abt my idea to do Hansel & Gretel for my final and she gave me the thumbs up plus some tips. she's really good! ok and aside from that at like, 9.30 or 10, someone from DSC called and told me i was in! i was kinda extremely shocked and i think i said "ARE YOU (freaking?) SERIOUS?" into the phone quite loudly. ah well. now im under even more stress cause i got to REDO MY LOCATIONAL SKETCHES, ADD MORE SKETCHES INTO MY SKETCHBOOK, RESEARCH ON REFERENCES AND IDEAS FOR MY FINAL, AND DO MY FINAL. ALL BY 3 THIS THURS. WTBFA. and the camp for DSC is compulsory from 24th to 26th. if i dont end before 4 on Sunday, im gonna have to leave early cause i gotta go to my sis's band performance which i promised her i'd attend since like, damn long ago. :/ did i mention idk anyone in DSC? except aaron:/ damn. sheesh. ok back to looking for references. NO MORE PROCRASTINATING.
what an eventful day wasnt it? oh and i dont think i'll be sleeping for the next 2 days. yay. shit.

2009-07-20T04:54:00.000-07:00

By: Chrissie64 on Flickr -Note: i don't claim credit for this!
i was looking for things to draw into my sketchbook and i found this image. how cool is that man. makes me happy to just stare at the pretty thing all day. but i have to draw now, so i think i'll find another day to stare at it ): im so tired alrrrrr. and im still dead tmr. fuck.

-----

2009-07-20T02:27:00.000-07:00

Monday, 20 Jul, 2009. 2:27 am

ladyblackmetal says:
kill me too
hahaha
MONG; one coin, two sides says:
damn.
):
kuku imma gonna cry soon
ladyblackmetal says:
im gonna
but i need to find a bigger tank for u
just in case
hahaha
MONG; one coin, two sides says:
LOL
why a bigger tank?
ladyblackmetal says:
when u cry, u will rise up the water level in ur tank
MONG; one coin, two sides says:
LOLOLOLOLOL
omg
-.-
ladyblackmetal says:
so i scared u'll swim with the overflow
hahaha
i want my darling!!
MONG; one coin, two sides says:
LOL
:D

ratna makes me feel better in a way. still not solved my so-dead-tmr dilemma but yeah. damn glad i finished my 3 locational drawings. but now i still have like many many more sketches to draw): and ohmytian sia. i haven't even STARTED on my final. fuck? amanda wants to see the progress we've made tmr. and i have NOTHING TO SHOW. crap! )))))): this really is like o's again. shit. back to drawinggg. fucking hope i'll pick up the pace and produse SOME good work? or at least PASSABLE stuff so it does look slip shot and shabby. i guess the final i'll just have to get scolded first and then chiong -.- did i mention i hate this block? yeah well. i hate this block. sigh.
i'm missing someone now, but idk who:/ AND AND AND: i've got my eyebrow piercing (x

2009-07-16T16:59:00.000-07:00

hello world, i'm so bored now D: in class slacking cause i've got no mood to draw and i've just finished one locational sketch. damn i still have 2 more and i was supposed to start on my final assignment today:/ depressing. Ahmad's M&Ms are keeping me off the edge. and no matter what, i'm gonna finish the other 2 sketches by today. if not def no time. and i haven't even filled my sketchbook yet. shit shit SHIT. i still have like, five million one hundred thousand ninety nine sixty five two thousand sketches left. ok fine, maybe like 12 more? but its gonna feel like a hell of alot more to deal with. how the heck am i supposed to finish my final by this thurs? and i havent even gotten an idea of what to draw. ok, i have. but i can't find any references to work with. that's basically what's holding me back from starting on it first. ): so dead. maybe i shld ask for an extension? but then when can i pass it up after that. stresss man.

2009-07-15T00:42:00.000-07:00

supposed to have no sch for the next 3 day but i think i might be going back almost all the days? or maybe just tmr. and then the other 2 go somewhr to do my locational sketches. ah anyway. i'm so so so tired and worn out. i think after this post, i'll go play a few games or solitaire and then crash(: ok wait. i have to find some references so i can start my final tmr:/ kinda stressed abt it cause idk if i can draw fast enough or produce a good piece of work. damn, but i'll try my best. and i think i better call my mother tmr just in case she decides to call me first and i get an earful D: i think im seriously gonna get my eyebrow pierced. :D and then try to hide it. ahahahh. from my parents at least. i just asked my bro "eyebrow or lip?" and he was like "none, you look bad enough as it is." DDDDDDDD: ass hole! ): ): i tried it just now. nothing that'll make you high and neither is it very fun? but its really amusing. ahmad, abi, and anisa will know what im saying. and anisa and abi you know what i said to do if ever. hahahha time to find references! i plan to sleep by 1.30 :/

2009-07-13T02:31:00.000-07:00

pretend like you never read this, please.

since when did i start caring whether or not i did homework and whether or not i was doing the right thing? its suddenly dawned on me that i've changed by mile-stones and i don't know whether i like it that way or not. watching what goes on when we go out, i can hardly stand it. if i really look, i think i'd lose my mind? thats why i avoid their gazes and put on some insanely huge, unnatural to me smile that i know they always all fall for. who wants to know the confused, fucked up, not so right me with everything thats going on in my "perfect" head? i doubt i'd actually want anyone sucked into that huge void. all the 'nothing!' 'it's fine!' 'i'm fine!' 'no la!' 'of course not!' 'yeah i will' no i wont' 'dont worry' all the shit there is. all those people who've told me before 'i'm always here for you' 'you can tell me anything' its all bullshit. dont you think i know that you'd rather be spending time worrying for other people that you actually WANT to care abt? why wld you wanna hear anything i have to say when they're more important to you than i'll ever be? what i unintentionally saw when i turned around that day made me wonder, wld it have been the same for anyone next to you, or just that person so that you'd go out of your way to protect from even the tiniest little things? i think i carried on laughing after that though i think something dropped in me. i would NEVER NEVER purposely get close to a person for the benefits, if you know what i mean. neither would i voluntarily tell you how i really feel or what the fuck is actually going on. you think it's that easy getting it out of me? burden you for nothing, as if. before, i told myself i wldnt do alot of things. now? i think i've done almost the whole list? minus the sex and drugs. another reason i dont say anything is cause people naturally ASSUME that if you're down or got something on your mind thats normally incomprehensible to the ppl who've never experienced it, then they're emo, poser, attracting attention or wanting pity. as if i'd take any of that shit from you all. i despise that. i'd rather confine myself and drink it out or sit it out or something. that way no one wld know and they wldnt have a fucking reason to start bitching abt me and my business. or how i'm emo or poser or wanting pity or attention seeking wtf. do i look like that to you?! annoying idiots. you'd definitely understand MYOB right, shallow, bubble-headed, judgmental, insensitive, numb-skulls?

so unless you mean it, don't talk to me.

2009-07-08T03:42:00.000-07:00

ok, i'm gonna start on work again, after procrastinating for a long time. and playing solitaire. i admit it, i'm hooked. :/ i'm such a NERD. hahahha yeah well.. yeah. back to work. damn i'm effing tired. ): oh yeah here's a song. --and i really do feel like puking

[Eminem]
There I go.. thinkin of you again

You, don't, know, how, sick, you, make, me
You make me fuckin sick to my stomach
Every time I think of you, I PUKE!
You, must, just, not, know-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-ohh
You may not think you do, but you do
Every time I think of you, I puke!

I was gonna take the time to sit down and write you a little poem
But off of the dome would probably be a little more
More suitable, for this type of song - whoa
I got a million reasons off the top of my head that I can think of
Sixteen bars just ain't enough to put some ink ta
So fuck it I'ma start right here, I'll just be briefer
Bout to rattle off some of the reasons
I knew I shouldn't go and get another tattoo
of you on my arm, but what do I go and do?
I go and get another one, now I got two, ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooh
I'm sittin here, with your name on my skin
I can't believe I went and did this stupid shit again
My next girlfriend, now her name's gotta be Kim, shiii-iii-iii-iitt
If you only knew, how much I hated you
For every motherfuckin thing you've ever put us through
Then I wouldn't be standin here cryin over you, booo-ooo-ooo-ooo-hoo

You, don't, know, how, sick, you, make, me
You make me fuckin sick to my stomach
Every time I think of you, I PUKE!
You, must, just, not, know-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-ohh
You may not think you do, but you do
Every time I think of you, I puke!

I was gonna take the time to sit down and write you a little letter
But I thought a song would probably be a little better
Instead of a letter, that you'd probably just shred up - yeah
I stumbled on your picture yesterday and it made me stop and think of
How much of a waste it'd be for me to put some ink ta
A stupid piece'a - paper I'd rather let you see how
much I fuckin hate you in a freestyle
You're a fuckin cokehead slut I hope you fuckin die
I hope you get to hell and Satan sticks a needle in your eye
I hate your fuckin guts you fuckin slut I hope you die, die-ie-ie-ie-ie-ie-ie!
But please don't get me wrong - I'm not bitter I'm mad
It's not that I still love you, it's not cause I want you back
It's just that when I think of you it makes me wanna yak, aaa-aaa-aaaak
But when else can I do, I haven't got a clue
Now I guess I just move on I have no choice but to
But every time I think of you, now all I wanna do, is puuu-uuu-uuuke!

You, don't, know, how, sick, you, make, me
You make me fuckin sick to my stomach
Every time I think of you, I PUKE!
You, must, just, not, know-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-ohh
You may not think you do, but you do
Every time I think of you, I puke!

God damn...
Fuckin bitch

2009-07-07T14:09:00.000-07:00

damn the inconsiderate, annoying ppl just now in the library. thank god they're gone now:/ i'm hungry! and we're gonna eat in around another 5 mins(: yay im craving for the malay food in the Design canteen:D shah, im not pregnant. -.-

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2009-07-07T01:39:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, 7 Jul, 2009. 1:39 am

when you are sunburnt, dont/NEVER:
1. fight with ppl. -when they hit you it hurts 3 times more. plus, the after feeling stings for quite awhile.
2. use a haversack kinda bag! STICK TO SLINGS. that way you can transfer the weight from one shoulder to the other at a time. or you can support the bag with your hand so it doesnt actually rest on your shoulder.
3. be clumsy. try to minimise the accidental bumps which just cause you more agony.
4. give ppl ideas as to how they can torture you. by mistake of course.]
5. use moisturizer. it doesnt work.
there are others but i cant be bothered to list them down.
besides, something just came up and now im fucking pissed off, fucking angsty, and overall, just in a fuckingly bad fucked up mood. fuck. yay me. and no, i DON'T feel like talking about it to everyone. go be a shrink somewhr else.

in the corner of my mind i'm making a mental note of updating my blog more often. reminder: viewer discretion is advised. (:
translation- childish kiddies please fuck off.
damn shits, go screw a rock.

2009-06-11T03:31:00.000-07:00

i don't like you. you piss me off. everytime i see your face i want to turn around and walk away. have i ever told you i HATE people who think they know the whole world, or more accurately, want the whole whole world to know them? wtfs. go screw a rock. im sure THAT kinda news will get around fast and EVERYONE will know you. want it that way, right? i mean, are you that fucking desperate? your friend is talking to their friend, then then you bloody stick yourself between them and intro yourself to your friend's friend. how fucking annoying can you get. then after that 1 meeting, or few words, you add them on facebook, msn, or whatever it is and suck up to them like nobody's business. damn you. why don't you just add the whole freaking world and kiss all their asses? i'm sure then you'll be happy? cause you'll THINK the whole world loves you. but, yeah right. in reality they prob don't give a fuck who the hell you are, and think you're some puny tard. there are alot of other things i want to say abt you, but it wld make it too obvious. you might even know who you are now. i hope so.

idk what to think now. how come i feel so empty. i shall just leave it and see what happens.

im gonna pierce my ears again(:

2009-05-21T01:53:00.000-07:00

i'm feeling like shit now. how do i put it all down into words. it feels like the past is coming back, and i hate the feeling. plus all the confusions idk what to do. everything seems like its ok doesn't it. im quite drained and sick of everything. what i do isn't enough. so sue me if i'm not perfect, as if any one person is. hm, so why am i so bothered though. idk. im definitely some weirdo retard that won't ever actually be normal but i dont think i can change that. as if i'm that noticeable or worth remembering. i live in my own world most of the time because i can't be bothered with all the social politics. all those fake, hypocritical, shallow, inconsiderate, low eq, materialistic ass holes who just want their 3 year shot in the limelight can go screw a rock. as for those who are genuinely nice, i have nothing against you(: i feel like a black hole, kinda like an empty void. its somewhat creepy and nobody likes it. i want some kind of superhero to come and save me now. from what or who, idk. hey, maybe im just overly paranoid eh? yeah i probably just am. oh yeah, maybe im even schizophrenic! awesome that explains alot and i've kinda been suspecting that i am. even as i re-read what i've been typing for the past half hour off and on, i realise what i've written doesn't really link up in some parts -.- and it makes entirely NO sense at all. ok i guess i feel more than just shitty. yay i have the best thing in the world to look forward to: homework! what sane student doesn't love homework! love toiling in the dead of night for countless hours and then dragging our sleepy stoned asses to class without sleep? then proceed to sit through lessons while our brains try extremely hard to input data which will be lost immediately and unintentionally when we forcefully disconnect ourselves from the computer known as the lecturer and classroom? oh awesomeness we all love that. yeap. time to carry on with the cycle now. here i go into metaphorical suicide and solitude.

i miss you. i know you most likely aren't coming back for a long, long time. and i can hear you sobbing over the phone though you try to hide it. you're probably missing my birthday, but we'll see if you actually rmb that soon. i hope you do, but there's a small part of me thats doubting it.

random thought: purposely killing my health.

2009-05-07T22:48:00.000-07:00

so many things going through my head. how can i explain it to anyone. problems from before are resurfacing. i wonder why some ppl can't keep their mouths shut? if the problem doesn't end it should at least be ME who's not ending it and not you, bitch. you're wrong, im right. you know that, i know that. what right do you have to keep going on abt it when I can't even be bothered? ugh. i really am turning psycho. i dont make sense at all.

my hair's blue again(: i don't care what you think of it, i like it.

haven't finished ideation work yet. cant get any pictures of animals without going to the zoo. gonna die writing essays. dont want my horrible work to be on display. not gonna be able to finish all my assignments by fri. what have i gotten myself into with DSC. what elections! campaigning?! can't understand why some ppl do the things they do. shit. the teachers kept saying dont stress dont stress to the whole class today. do we look that stressed? ah well. fml(:

2009-05-02T21:35:00.000-07:00

ytd was fun, i guess. we watched X-Men Origins: Wolverine. and it rocked:DD seriously it was awesome! and then aft that we went to buy food and eat outside somewhr. hahaha then alot of ppl started to leave!): so left with, michelle, ashley, cliff, grace, huiting, meryl, me. so we walked to the esplanade and slacked. on the way there some of us stopped to buy ice cream. and stupid cliff(i hope you're reading this!) got free ice cream! D: ahahha ok no joking you're not stupid. but you really did get free ice cream. -_- well, anyway. then we sat at the bridge for awhile before everyone got bored. so we decided to go get drinks and sit and play truth or dare. so we walked to dunno whr and got our drinks and walked all the way to city hall again to find seats:D truth or dare was quite boring la. but ashley had to do really retarded dares. ahaha she's damn cute:D and then i think i drank my 2 bottles a bit too fast so i got a little teeny weeny bit tipsy. but i wasn't anywhere near even being high. so yeah hahhaha went to eat a litlle at macs and then went home.

today had to bring my printer over to cliff's hse to do collage. i fell asleep a few times thanks to him making me wake up so early): ah well. slacked alot so i didnt manage to do much. cliff's collage looked weird, so he started cursing. he talks to his work... idk what to say abt that. hahaha anyway went home at 7 and i'm pretty sure i want to finish my collage by tonight! BUT I'M SO EFFING TIRED. and its only like, 9.33 ): what to do. got church tmr and i have no idea how to get thr cause its been relocated.=/ when am i gonna find the time to go to the zoo omg): ): shit la i need time!

do i mean it, or don't i? what to do.

2009-04-28T23:21:00.000-07:00

today was.. cold. hahhaha well, after lunch it was. but in the morning it was normal(: class was exceptionally cold and the show we watched was gooooood! "Patch Adams" i think(: got down to our impromptu presentation of jack skellington and my sharp rubbery hamster character design assignment D: i guess i got a few ok-ish sketches. but they look kinda plain so i gotta figure out how i can make it look more interesting. since my hamsters is gonna be able to levitate, then maybe i shld design something like wings or a levitating skateboard for it:D ahahaha yeahhh! i'll try it later. slacked off aft class with ht, khai, and cliff as usual before meeting sheryl, grace, and js to go walk walk. well. actually, we were SUPPOSED to go walk walk la. like go to tampines shopping centre thr to look arnd cause we haven't been thr before. BUT. we took the wrong bus thx to AHEM. so we ended up somewhr in paya lebar?! and really had to WALK WALK to find our way back on track -_- oh well. in the end we didnt go tampines and just went to tpy int change so grace cld eat. js was whining cause he wanted to go home and do proj! ahahaha damn funny can(: um. now i'm bored back home =/ oh yeah. something damn cool. WE'RE GONNA HAVE FunDigPho CLASS TMR AT BUGIS. ahahahha yay!(: but have to reach at 8.30 ): so early ): gonna take 3 pics of anything we want for an assignment. and we can have breakfast first too! Mathias is awesome!(: then we're gonna come back at abt 12 and go for ideation:D where i'll have to rack my brain more to make my sharp, rubbery hamster look more interesting. how cld a sharp, rubbery hamster not look interesting alr right? but somehow i managed to make it look boring and normal. hahaha crapszxzxz. lack of imagination D:
nothing much else happened today i guess. oh yeah. except for that annoying song js came up with, and he and cliff keep singing -_- very fun hor. js even said "eh! IT RHYMES." then i pointed out the song was made up of like, 2 words. hahhaha JS NOT MY BEST FRIEND ANYMORE):

I know sometimes things may not always
make sense to you right now
But hey, what'd daddy always tell you?
Straighten up little soldier
Stiffen up that upper lip
What you crying about?
You got me

2009-04-26T02:12:00.000-07:00

went to sentosa today(: it was a DOC outing and it was quite fun but so bloody hot at first ahahah i got half thrown into the water though): then we went to have dinner at kfc before we went to sky something to sit around and talk. don't understand how ppl that i've known for so little time cld possibly know how i'm feeling when i didnt even say anything! the thing is, they got it right that i wasn't feeling very happy. though i kept telling them i was fine=/ seriously i must have weirded them out a bit D: some friends i've known for years can't even tell when i'm happy or not but they picked it up almost right away. i'm so amazed and idk, comforted? that i have friends like these((: and actually, when i said what i said, i wasn't joking. i wld have. and in the end i passed it off as a joke. see how things go i guess.
maybe going to church tmr, maybe going to do my assignment with MOI class instead.

idk idk idk! ugh! so many things running through my head it's driving me crazy! who can i turn to now? pls someone just slap me really hard before i turn psycho, and tell me it's all just my mind playing things up and things aren't the way they are now

2009-04-24T23:44:00.000-07:00

MONG DEMANDS HONEY STARS):

super tired now cause i just came back frm sch(: what's thr to say it was fun i guess. hahaha the guys were retarded and the girls can shake it!:D hope cliff gets well soon, and idk whether i shld go to sentosa tmr or not=/ gah.

2009-04-23T22:41:00.000-07:00

today damn suay la): i tripped a few times on nothing but thats quite normal hahaha oh yeah! and a bus driver uncle gave me a free ride! :D ahahahaaa ok cause my ezlink had no money. then at first i was abt to put in 5$ into the money box thing. then the uncle said go change money with ppl, but no one had change. so i went back and looked very sad and he said "nevermind la today give you free ride" HAHAHHA yay!(: and then i was standing all the way to tpy int change and fell asleep standing too D: then when i reached the int change i walked up and down the whole place abt 5 or 6 times looking for 157 which is like, HIDDEN -_- so crap la. and now i can't rmb if i have any hw but i don't think so? =/ hope don't have heheheh. tmr maybe going to ting's cell grp meeting at riverwalk, but i'm not sure if i have time): i just rmbred, KHAI HAS MY RUBBER BAND! D: can't tie hair man! oh yeah. um. i'm not blur. <-- just stating a fact ok(x all you super bullies): hahahha tsk.

after i saw that photo, i don't know how to feel. and so far, the facade has been holding up. but i'm starting to get worn, and i don't even know whether i'm actually helping or not. why can't i get to you?

2009-04-21T22:32:00.000-07:00

i'm so tired i actually fell asleep on the bus. that's not normal cause i usually cant sleep on public transport! maybe the heat's getting to me=/ gotta set my physio appt again now that i've got my timetable. maybe i can start running again(: this block's lecturers are quite cool hahaha hope they're all like this all the time. apparently work starts coming tmr=/ oh man my first assignment! and i need to get the MOI form from my cm but idk how to find her): better go ask someone tmr so i dont get into too much trble D: anyway i'm damn tired so i'm gonna sleep NOW :D ok fine, by 11(:

Aloha au iā ‘oe

intuition

2009-04-19T03:48:00.000-07:00

feels like i've been gone for 2 weeks! but actually i've been gone for only 3 days haha i smell nice and clean. the most normal bath i had aft coming back frm camp ytd(: the camp rocked btw:D my group Morko is awesome! our grp is the best!(every group claims they are the best so yeah hahaha) i miss my group mates alr): i think we bonded alot from the 2nd day onwards like around night walk time. the girls screaming, and the guys jumping cause we were screaming, and theresah the poor girl was shaking so hard! D: design has the best night walk everrrrrr i swear!(: hahaha so many things happened, so many ppl i want to talk more to. but i think i was kinda stoned cause i was lacking in sleep. i mean, normally now i sleep at 5 or 6 in the morning? but then i can wake up really late! at camp we slept at abt 4.30 or 5 every night and had to wake up by 8.30 everyday ): and not bathing until abt 2 or 3 in the morning was torture hahaha but camp's over now): so sad i hope morko keeps in touch though(:

love you Morko:D

2009-04-11T03:49:00.000-07:00

orientation is next week(: only thing is, they said the camp is a 4day 2night(?!) camp? what they didn't state was which night we don't have to stay over! awesome la. i'm not bringing a huge bag on the first day only to find out that's not the day. and neither am i gonna go unpacked and find out the last day is the day we don't have to stay over. i live too far for that! and i haven't packed yet ahahah. going out to buy camp stuff tmr though. with my sis and then going to find jo and esther and si yi for lunch and then jo's easter service and the expo(:

time to rant.
is it my fault my mouth is like yours? poisonous enough to make someone crumble into themselves. you think i WANT you to leave? you think i ENJOY fighting with you? what the hell goes on in your twisted head, huh? honestly i'm tired of this. i retort cause it's a reaction to your childish and inappropriate accusations. you take it to mean all sorts of things. and i tell you, it all wldn't have happened if you kept your mouth shut. no, actually, you don't even have to keep your mouth shut. you cld try saying something..nice? or un-insulting if you will. doesn't even have to be a praise! but if you have something totally unnecessary or judgmental, and i answer with something you know is true and probably deem embarrassing for yourself, don't you dare shout at me or threaten me with your desperate attempt at covering up. i don't appreciate the way you don't think before you act and then scream at us. you know we care, and blatantly ignore that fact. instead you choose to wallow in your misery which btw, is killing you along with whatever shit you're doing. you keep telling us we don't know how hard it is. in truth you think we DON'T know how hard it is? when we don't answer you think, again, it's because we "don't care" about you. honestly? you think that's the way it REALLY is? of course we hear you. but what do you expect us to say? shall we shower you with comforting, soothing remarks and deny everything? i won't. besides that, how many times have we shown immense concern for you? and what did you do with that? purposely shove it in our faces by adding to it and telling us to keep out of your fucking business? time and time again we've tried, we've worked. doesn't help. not one bit. when's it gonna hit you in the face we love you? everyone's looking forward to that day. ugh. i'm gonna miss you and i'm not even in the position to tell you. this sucks

i feel like listening to hard music with loud, thumping drums and heavy beats. and i'm hungry. not looking forward to any of the next 2 months very much

2009-04-07T03:36:00.000-07:00

hmm i'm starting to miss alot of ppl who i havent talked to in ages. like, maybe say, years? probably shld try to meet up with them soon. oh yeah. camp's in a week(: im KINDA excited abt it? but it's kinda worrying me that it might be rigorous so i won't be able to take part alot? oh man): i don't wanna sit out the whole time! but, they most likely wldn't make us work out since there are older ppl around right? bones might break!(: hahha ok total bs. anyway i gotta get stuff before saturday so i can start packing. and i havent even been into the sch so i have no idea whr the freaking meeting venue is): im gonna get lost on the first, UNOFFICIAL day D: oh man i suck. hahahha anywaysss i hope it wont be that bad. mum's laving this week too. better ask her abt mission trip in june before she goes. shld be asleep now, but im practically nocturnal at the moment so yeah. big problem. let me go find something intriguing to amuse myself with while i wait for sleepiness to bang me in the forehead(:

2009-04-03T04:11:00.000-07:00

it's really late, i've got a headache, and i've got physio later): sucks.

2009-03-29T03:43:00.000-07:00

im sick. ugh. bloody flu): im just abt ready to cough out my lungs at any moment
looking forward to cell outing later(:
i need sleep
oh yeah. earth hour!

2009-03-26T16:59:00.000-07:00

been lazy to update =/ anyway taiwan was great and so was hk. hk was damn bloody cold and i wish i cld have enjoyed myself more): too bad that shit had to happen. ah well. and i discovered a new drink! i swear its THE BEST MAN. its called ai yu and singapore doesn't sell it =/ brilliant i don't think i'll go back to taiwan for quite awhile again. cool to see my dad so mellowed(: and oh yeah speaking of that, my mum is moving to taiwan? don't know what bullshit excuse she's giving herself and i don't know what the f she's got running through her brain. she's leaving in roughly 10 days and coming back in abt 2 months? so she's gonna leave us here with our grandparents and run off. wth pls. uugh some of her decisions can kill the dead again i tell you. anyway been going out quite alot lately and i've been eating alot of chocolate. so now i've got a cough. hahaha this is the first time ever i think, that i've actually gotten a cough from too much chocolate. cause normally my body doesn't comply to the "too heaty, too cooling" shit. i'm so proud of myself(: maybe i'm gonna be normal soon! hahah yeah right. met some new friends and they're cool man! i feel like talking to huimei suddenly? hahah shall give her a call later and i shall try to rmb (try not to be so lazy) to update my blog more often(x
have i mentioned i'm dying of boredom at home aft like 6 months? i can't even write anymore i think hahah hilarios oh dear i better go practice =/ and i don't want to go to sch and not know anyone! damn this is frustrating

2009-02-07T02:24:00.000-08:00

leaving for taiwan in abt 9hrs, waking up in abt 7 hrs. i wonder if i'm actually looking forward to going thr. be back in the first week of march(: i hope my grandparents know what to do when the package comes=/ "bond" with joy k and ama when i get back ahahha gonna be damn lame(x gonna miss church for 4 weeks, gonna be even more bored in Taiwan than at home cause there's no msn!): ): maybe i'll just download it without my bro knowing hahhaha and bummer its 25 degrees thr alr): anymore and i'll refuse to go! i hope i've packed well and didn't miss out anything! yeah right i prob did(: at least there are 2 dogs thr so i wont be that unamused(x mum alr booked steamboat at a restaurant thr! so brilliant. we haven't even left SG yet and she's booked all the way to TAIWAN. sigh. gonna miss out here i guess=/ good bye sg and all my friends(: see you when i back!

yay me. gonna walk through the metal detectors tmr and set them all off(;

2009-02-06T03:56:00.000-08:00

how come the packages aren't here yettt. =/
leaving for taiwan this saturday and the flight's at 11am so i hope i can wake up at 8. been sleeping at around 4am everyday for the past 2 weeks not good for the body. i hope taiwan's still cold from winter(: if not not very fun. haha be back in a month and gonna go to hk for a few nights cause thr's a stop-over thr. hope we dont end up fighting ad ruin the whole thing. cousin's wedding is on the 15th i think(: wonder if we got her a present. must have right. um, that reminds me i haven't packed yet. and i don't know if i'm missing anyhting. gotta wake up earlyyy tmr to go do stuff with mum and get stuff which we need.
hm i wonder what they'll say when they scan the bags and find my 2 stuffed toys in them hahaha oh well too bad but they're def fitting into my bag for the duration! damn so embarrassing=/
"holidays sian until cannot sian to anywhr alr!" hahahha yeah i agree. dying of boredom mannnnnzxxzxz
better go sleep now before i refuse to wake up tmr(:

i think i'm finally getting to accept it

2009-02-01T02:32:00.000-08:00

Too good to be true
The universe is passin' by

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2009-02-01T02:22:00.000-08:00

Sunday, Feb 1, 2009. 2:34 am

haven't blogged for a long time, i guess. been bumming around at home without anything to do. been going out with friends sometimes just to walk abt aimlessly. been using the computer and the tv cause it feels wierd not to use them. been ignoring my phone. been drinking, been eating, been sleeping. been doing all the essentials, necessities, and norms. brain still wasting away so i'm becoming more of a retard. going to poly so sch starts in April for me(: going to Taiwan for a month cause cousin's getting married, and cause sch starts only in April. decisions to be made abt whether im gonna start that thing or not. havent gone for physio for 1482301286 years and missed 235619867329 appointments. still don't know my new year's resolution. getting sick of bloody fakers. happily sleeping really late in the night/early in the morning. unhappily thinking abt paying adult fares soon):. worrying about things.
aiya. what's thr to read. everything a teenager has to do, will do, has no choice but to do, wants to do, and so on.

yet, somehow, i've got a feeling this yr'll be better and diff from any other year i've had. damn, i hope its true.

2009-01-12T02:04:00.000-08:00

my heart is beating so bloody fast i wonder if its gonna fail any moment. results are coming out in abt 12 hours, and God im nervous. what if i cant get less than 15 points? or what if i cant even get below 20 points?! wtf man. i hate o's. hate it to the effing max. aft 4 years spent in sec sch i dunno if i can pass the ultimate test? what a joke. what have i been doing?! shittttttttttttttttt. and i wonder if anyone knows how fucking badly i regret not mugging properly for o's. people keep saying 'don't worry, relax' i know i have to but can i? its not that simple. the freaking regret i have is nagging and slashing at my sides. all cause i didnt study properly. i cant rmb if i felt like this while waiting for my psle results, but i think it didnt come close to what im feeling now. regret regret regret. if i complain, im sure everyone will just say 'serves you right. who asked you not to study.' how true. consolation turns into realisation. sigh. i do believe that God has a plan for all of us, i just wish that this plan isn't gonna hurt. hopefully i will be jumping for joy tmr and be one of those who cracks a smile after staring at the long anticipated o level grades in my hands.

How I wish.... i wish it weren't so
So take this wine & drink with me
Let's delay our misery

Save tonight
And fight the break of dawn
Come tomorrow
Tomorrow I'll be gone

Save tonight
And fight the break of dawn
Come tomorrow
Tomorrow I'll be gone

oh yeah, i gotta wake up early and buy temporary black hair spray tmr morning. and then figure out what i will be allowed to wear to sch tmr so i can collect my stuff without getting into too much trouble. cause im not even gonna bother taking out my studs. be happy alr that im deciding not to leave my hair the way it is and walk through the school gates. ah, the bitter-sweet joy of rebellion.

good luck guys

2009-01-07T22:37:00.000-08:00

idk what to write. im severely lacking in sleep for some reason, so i keep falling asleep at work. tmr gonna go to some open houses with esther, jo, liwei and germaine i think(: i think i wanna go poly and study something worth studying rather than go to jc and repeat learning everything i dont want to learn again. hhahaha im damn bloody shit scared of results which are gonna be released on monday at 2. WHYYYYYYY. WHAT IF I DONT EVEN GET LESS THAN 20?! duh, off to America i guess. ughhh. why didnt i study harder. sigh. anyway, i wanna see what the teachers reactions will be to my green hair(: hehehh they'll love it.(x just like they love me being their student. hah yeah right. ohman ohman ohman):

2009-01-05T02:33:00.000-08:00

i've got a feeling that nothing's gonna be right for a very long time. go figure. huimei i need to talk to you): and shit i have work tmr after so damn long. i don't really wanna go

today aft huimei's church i took a bus home and since i had no freaking idea which bus went whr i just got onto any bus which number looked familiar to me:D haahah i know there is a board which tells you which bus goes whr, but i forgot abt that -_- thank God the bus took me to Mac Ritchie:D then i got off and walked a damn long way home. i walked across like 6 roads=/ hahaha and the wind was super strong!

sis is leaving for a five day camp tmr): im gonna miss her presence arnd the hse): ah well, she'll be back(: and im not allowed to get any facial piercing until 18. but my dad says if i go over to taiwan i can get as many tattoos as i want. is that retarded or what. naturally and obviously my mother flipped and went ballistic. the rest is history.

when's it ever gonna enddddddd. 2009 don't be like that la. i want it to be a good year! stop pissing me off alr):

2009-01-03T02:07:00.000-08:00

it has just hit me that O Level results are coming out in 9 days. reaction?: HOLY SHIT WHAT THE F* OH NO.

The hour’s now
The base is loud
The disco lights
Shinin’ through the crowd
We’re holdin’ time in our hands and it stops when we say
We say
And we ain’t stoppin’ ’til the morning light

We gotta hold back the sun, don’t let it come
Ain’t stoppin’ for no one
The night is young
Don’t let them turn on the lights
Let us decide when they play that last song
The night is done
When we break the dawn

2009-01-02T03:25:00.000-08:00

i wanna get a lip or eyebrow piercing!(:

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2009-01-02T02:23:00.000-08:00

Friday, January 2, 2009. 2:23 AM

Directions: Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 16 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them.

(1) inconsiderate jerks & ppl with low EQ are ALMOST the epitome of ass-hole-ness. can't stand them.

(2) i have hazel eyes. hahahha seriously don't know where they came from

(3) i have a very high tolerance for pain

(4) piercings and tattoos are ok to me. i don't give a shit abt how others might perceive body art

(5) extreme mood-swings are part of my personality

(6) i'm really sentimental. more of the mental. ahahah ok whatever. i like keeping things which ppl have given me and i HATE it when someone throws them away or insists that i get rid of it.

(7) i can totally tune out things without meaning to or noticing it. (sucks when i have to study): )

(8) i miss SC like shit): the retarded-ness. HAHHAHA

(9) 9 is my favourite number

(10) i kinda broke into a class from a different level when i was in sec 2 and totally got busted for it

(11) i HATE ppl getting left out and unaccepted whether you, me, friends or strangers.

(12) i hold grudges. for a long time. but it's good to know depending on the circumstance, and what's to follow after whatever happened, that the amount of time i hold a grudge for varies. of course i always forgive the person in the end, willing or not. and then everything returns to normal.

(13) i like sunsets

(14) the more you tell me NOT to do something, the more i WILL do it. can't change that. the more you challenge, the more i'll step up to shove it back in your face

(15) i am planning to keep to my New Year's resolution this year (when i come up with it)

(16) people normally think they know me. but no, they don't.

The tagged:

1. Deb- you and your cat. HAHAHHA:D

2. Huimei- HUUUUUUUUUIIIIIIIIIIII MEEEEEEEEEEEE. hahahha 10 years(:

3. Jin Yong- Hello neighbour!(:

4. Liling- amazing voice(:

5. Jess- effing great dancer! lotsa crap talking with you(x

6. Davinia- damn tall D:

7. Pei- YOU DAMN COOL D:

8. Serene- beware. for obvious reasons and also when emo. when emo she is unintelligible due to SERIOUSLY BLOODY CHIM ENGLAND!(:

9. Ting- how come ppl always bully you abt food? hahaha =/

10. Jo- mad and extremely motherly. (:

11. Olivia- spastic junior who's always laughing.(:

12. Jie Qi- good in everything. all rounded. HAHAHAH :D

13. Val Y- lost touch aft pri sch until this year D: need to catch up(:

14. Mirabelle- another amazing voice(: looks older than she is

15. Shan- Pri 6! can always be counted on for fun:D LOTS of memories.(x

16. Sibyl- always there(: super funny person. hahahha!

2008-12-30T21:37:00.000-08:00

i'm so bloody fucking pissed off right now i can't even put it into words. if the phone is passed back to me again, i swear i'm gonna smash it into a million fucking pieces that can't bloody be put back tgt even with the help of whatever high tech crap specially designed to fix up broken up phones.

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2008-12-30T16:49:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, December 30, 2008. 4:49 PM

kinda got kicked out of the house on monday cause of the party. but it was worth it(: well, at least i'm trying to convinvce myself that it was. saw a whole bunch of ppl i recognised there haahah too bad some ppl cldn't come): if not it wld've been more fun:D oh yeah. thank God i found my house key before i left, if not i wldn't need to show up at my doorstep anymore anyway. screwed up shit. played pool with Laura and her friends Larry and JoJo before the party somewhere in Cine. i swear it's damn bloody overpriced=/ like, 8$ per hr or smth yeah what the shit. hahaha went to Macs to sit and talk at around 3+ until around 5+ before going back to Elaine's. went for breakfast in the morning cause everyone was freaking hungry. i had roti prata which was damn good! :D haven't had it in the longest time i think=/ took a bus back home with Sarah and Rachel and reached at abt 1.30 then i took a bath and tried to ditch my hse for my neighbour's but he was gonna go to work): HOW COME. I WANNA PLAY THAT GUITAR THING -_- sigh. tmr gonna go to Liwei's hse for a gathering. maybe i'll ask if i can go there to sleep first cause im effing tired. and i'd rather not stay home at the moment hahaha i'm so happy im not stoned today:D or tripping over my own feet and falling asleep standing=/ that wld be embarrassing.
while im sitting at home now, i have borrowed my brother's laptop to use since the other two computers are being occupiedD: and im getting yelled at by him cause apparently im slowing down the internet connection (WHICH I AM SO NOT DOING!) by playing music and using blogger and stuff? whatever. im bored! what to do! can't even use MSN or Youtube now cause there IS no MSN on this com and im not allowed to download anything. and Youtube apparently slows down everything): ahhhh. pffffffffffft. i neeeeeeeed something to do. fine. i'll go educate myself abt other peoples lives by blog surfing and making myself more depressed -_-

2008-12-29T01:42:00.000-08:00

maybe i shld try to be more agreeable. btw sorry bok (you know what for) though i really had to resist saying smth else aft that. =/ if you ask me i'll tell you hahhaha
went to Bok's Church service today(: gotta admit it was pretty dry=/ IM SORRY. then went to Huimei's Church(: quite fun! maybe cause it was turned into a Year End party(x hahaha i saw the twins!:D Thank God we didn't end up playing animal concentration again cause they're so CUNNING D:
i've been so super duper stoned these past few days. wonder what i'll be like on tues! i swear im gonna control
saw _____ again today:DD lucky _____'s from this place and not that place if not omg. hahaha but whatever im just happy i saw you. guess you're in higher "demand" than i thought(: hah but as if i'd ever stand a chance in hell.

continuation of the still brooding tyrannical storm that's prob gonna hit full blast tmr. just now was just one out of the millions of droplets of rain that will inevitably hit me hard, and possibly drown me eventually. but maybe if i stop doing this stupid rain dance the storm will wisp on by and leave me alone, even if it is very slow and torturous. duh. why am i so stupidly inviting the storm in when i clearly dont want it there, and can possibly even stop it. how? stop dancing la.(:

do you believe i just took 10 mins trying to figure out how "torture" was spelt? yeah what a brilliant brain jam

2008-12-27T02:49:00.000-08:00

life's great when you have your best friend talking to you at 2.30 am in the morning(: Kelly, why d'you have to go back to australia): i rmb all those times when we were young and we had those fantasies abt having a stable full of horses and staying tgt when we were old(: ahhaa wonder if you still rmb them=/ you're prob the only person who'd stay up with me till the wee hours of morning talking abt crap and singing while playing the guitar:D hell i miss you so much and i prob dont say it much but yeah, hope you know you're my best friend.. in all your crazy-ass-funky-retard-funny-naive-lovable-scary-sexy-impulsive-unsure-cheerful-always there-random-beautiful self. there's prob more to that list but yeah i can't possibly list down everything:D making me set up the stupid head set and microphone system in the middle of the night so you can talk while i type away. tsk. ahahahha i treasure every minute i spend with you and God knows you're probably the only person in the whole wide fickle world that will stay by my side through thick and thin and put up with my hurricane tempers and every second mood swings. and i love you for that seriously(: you know how they always say "blood is thicker than water"? yeah well. i agree with that statement, but i also believe that sometimes mere water is on par with that blood(: i wanna let you know i'll be there for you too, and i was a damn bloody fucking stupid asshole for not realising how great a friend you were to me from the start. if only God held a spotlight over people who were meant to be your best friends. hahhha maybe he does, but we don't see it. in any case, i did see-- no, i FINALLY DO see your special light just for me:D and hell you bet i'll never let it out of my sight(:

it was
you and me
against the world
(:

2008-12-25T22:27:00.000-08:00

bloody fucking git. i hate you. seriously, i'd be better off dead. you wanna know what i do behind your back? yeah well, i just gave you a demonstration by downing a bottle of your bloody wine in 10 mins. hell, if you really want the full picture, you're probably not ever gonna get it. and even if you don't want me to go out this monday, too bad man. it's too late, i'm going. whether you like it or not and whether you approve or not. i can't bloody type straight now and i don't even care. good for you maybe you've finally gotten a glimpse of what i really am like. and i don't give a fucking damn what you think about it. it's too bad, cause you're the one who'd chosen to ignore it all this time.

oh yeah. and did i forget to mention? what a damn bloody fucking merry christmas this has been. cheers.

2008-12-23T02:17:00.000-08:00

i hate my computer. it keeps disconnecting me from fb and internet. ugh. anyway last night was damn wierd. i half-woke up thinking of lyrics to a song i cant rmb. something abt "tmr" hahaha by a guy band i think. then i went back to sleep(: tmr going to bring Zhen Yi to Kino at Taka first and then going to Esther's hse for a party:D went out with Kel om sunday aft church(: freaking fun as always(: (: (: and i'm prob gonna go over to her hse on fri since no where will be open for us hahah what retards we are:D and we're gonna meet vanisha the next week i think.man, they both talk like bullet trains. seriously, if the both of you want me to be able to follow the conversation you're gonna have to go slower. HAHAHA

i'm damn scared thanks to falling twice that i've hurt my ACL and other ligaments again. so shit. what if they tore AGAIN? and the only way i can be sure of what happened is if i go for another MRI, which is a bloody 500+$. i think worst case i'll pay for it and not tell my mum=/ she won't take needing to pay again very well. sigh. this time though i can't tell whether it's healing or not. cause it hurts and stuff. ahh. stupid me how did i let it get to this):

saw that person(: so happy happy happy. :D :D :D :D :D

2008-12-20T17:03:00.000-08:00

stop mentioning America. haven't i made it clear to you that i don't want to go there to study? you wanna know why i don't want to go? cause i don't want to leave everything i have here behind. why do you want me to go in the first place? you keep saying its cause its better for me and the opportunities later in life wld be greater. but i think the only reason you want me to go is so we'll be away from grandma and gong gong, and so you can be tgt with him. i admit that sometimes i do wonder if what i've done is right. what if i didn't do what i did? wld we still be living the same, horribly? or wld things have finally changed? i hate him when he's here and like him much better when he's dunno how many thousand million miles away from us. can't live with, can't live without. i hate knowing your secrets and i hate having to see you literally die a bit each day. you blame me for getting pissed off with you? funny. you shld hear all the shit i actually put up with that comes out of your mouth. and after what you said ytd, i really question your sanity. ok fine, if you really want it that way, i will go to America if i cant get into any freaking jc in singapore.

kelly's back in singapore!(:

yesterday after work, in NTUC while we were walking around:
sister: -picks up ginger- "i think gingers are meant to be ugly and deformed."
me: then we should have named you ginger :D
sister: -speechless with a really dumb expression- "...HAHAHHAHA YOU ASS HOLE."
by-standers: tsk tsk tsk
i know im mean hahah but she shld have known after living with me for her 14 years that she shldnt leave a space open for me to insult her all the time(x oh and then we saw Bacardi Breezers and i remembered a friend who went down after like, two bottles. hahahah yes how wierd.

maybe i'll update abt other things later tonight

2008-12-15T18:58:00.000-08:00

this is a pic i drew for my art d&p prac i think. hahaha i was looking at it and brings back a memory(:

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2008-12-15T18:12:00.000-08:00

Monday, December 15, 2008. 6:12 PM

fell again ytd at church. down the stairs. is it me or do i happen to always injure my knee at church? seems so coincidental. and i think my knee is screwed because of it. anyway i feel like cutting my fringe. hahaha it's too long! and my dyed hair is losing colour! my mum says don't re-dye it. but then it looks so wierd cause it's turning into a blondish shade of green now thanks to the bleach=/

Go ahead and try
Try and look me in the eye
But you'll never see inside
Until you realize, realize
Things are trying to settle down
Just try to figure out
Exactly what I'm about
If its with or without you
I don't need you doubting me

2008-12-12T02:52:00.000-08:00

i just read what i wrote in my very early entries of this year. and wow, it has surprised me alot. seriously all the memories are coming back and everything feels like it happened just ytd. the anxieties, fears, joys, everything. how bad and good things got. hmmm.. hahaha somehow it feels wierd. not good or bad, just.. it. idk(: no words for how i feel right now. i think my english used to be better last time though=/ seems to have really deteriorated in terms of vocab over the past few months. but grammatically it's still correct, i think:D hahahahahahaha if only we lived in the night and not in the day. i wanna try that out! ok randomness but i'm really not a very happy person when i open my eyes, and the first thing i see is light(: and i think my knee is healing somewhat again. it feels better! but i can't be sure): oh and i've been reading someone's blog (it might be you!), but i'm quite sure that no one really reads this stupid area of my penned down thoughts, memories, and randomness. so. they wld probably never know anyway(: but after reading it it only just makes me think more deeply abt what i feel now. hahahaha ah forget it. idk what im talking abt anymore now anyways. besides i got work tmr=/

i wanna be your happy,
never letting you go.
i don't ever wanna see you fret;
never make you regret.
take care of you-- forever,
see you lonely-- never.

2008-12-11T01:41:00.000-08:00

Don't hang up,
Can we talk?
So confused
It's like im lost.
What went wrong?
what made you go?
Don't pretend you don't know
This is me,
I'm unchangeable.

When did we
Fall apart?
Or did you lie
From the start?
When you said
Its only you
I was blind,
Such a fool.
Thinking we
Were unbreakable

It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forever more
Was it something that I said?
was it something that I did?
Cause I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful.

Ive been told
Whats done is done
To let it go,
And carry on.
And deep inside,
I know that's true.
I'm stuck in time,
I'm stuck on you.
We were still untouchable.

It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forever more.
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
Cause I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful

Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up
Cuz i'm only dreaming
Get out, get out, get out, get out
Get out of my head now

Because we're much better
All together
Can't let go.

It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forever more.
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
Cuz I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful

It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forever more
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
Cuz I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful

Made me unbeatiful

2008-12-10T00:22:00.000-08:00

came back from church camps ytd and only woke up at abt 5pm today hahaha i guess i was too tired=/

St James Church (1-4th Dec, Huimei's):
i can't rmb the theme though. yes, i know i suck but what to do(: however, i do know i learnt alot abt Him. and so since i can't really rmb most things, i'll settle for talking abt my group members which were extremely funny ppl. hahaha and the animal concentration game which i TOTALLY suck at, but love to play and humiliate myself with anyway.(: oh but the reason i always lost was because of TWO TWINS. omg they're damn cute but DAMN CUNNING. they always make me lose!): ah well. one of the guys was a UNICORN HAHAHA super funny. and thank you Huimei for taking such good care of me at camp(: eventhough you scared me to shit one time. and sorry i didn't meet your friend Sherilyn=/ our GL was super funny too! always scared abt getting sunburnt cause her prom was like, 1 or 2 days away hahaha funny crap:D

Barker Road Methodist Church (5-8th Dec, Jobok's):
I learnt so much abt God through this camp. it really helped me alot because the theme was 'Back To Basics, God 101' so yeah, exactly what i needed(: things have become alot clearer through this camp and i finally do understand quite alot of things. and i'm quite sure i grew spiritually as well! so it's a great bonus for me(: and my gruop rocked! they're really nice ppl hahaha though our numbers kept fluctuating=/ i still think our group bonded alot and i'm really blessed that God had given me that group(: eventhough we were all quite quiet=/ and anyway the games were great!:D but the wet games shld have been more wet cause we only got splattered a bit but overall i loved camp(:

oh and i hurt my knee on the second day of camp): i fell cause i missed a step): i seriously hope nothing happened inside again la. if not i'll seriously be pissed off with myself cause it's gonna be very troublesome for my family. but it hurts like crap and idk whether its cause i've hurt the operated parts or it hurts cause i fell and normally a normal knee wld have reacted that way. sigh.

and ohman i've got it bad. bok you know what i'm talking abt! help meeee):

I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don't believe it makes me real
I thought it'd be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all the things I said

If you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don't know how it got so bad
Sometimes it's so crazy
That nothing can save me
But it's the only thing that I have

If you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own

On my own

I tried to be perfect
It just wasn't worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It's hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along

If you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own

2008-11-29T18:45:00.000-08:00

went out ytd aft work at abt 5.30 and came home today at around 1.30. then i slept until around 5. and now im gonna go to a party. best. damn no time now im late and i havent gotten ready. blog again later when i get back. im so hungryyyyyyyy):

btw, HAPPY BIRTHDAY YING(: dunno how the hell you ended up with TWO cakes instead of one? ass i bet you're full of it. HAHHA hope you're doing good at your band performance right now and sorry cldn't go see you=/

;and bloody fuck i smell like smoke.

2008-11-26T03:08:00.000-08:00

SABOTAGE. i swear. i thought i was only gonna go out for DINNER. in the end Shan and her mum dragged me all over the place SHOPPING for more STUFF. let's just say she DISAGREES VERY TREMENDOUSLY with my clothes HAHAHHA wth SHANNEN LOH HUIZI. so EMBARRASSING LA. but thank you aunty for all the things(: and thanks Shan for i don't know what. but my mum was very happy. HAHAH came back at 10+ and i don't know what to do now. my guitar's 2nd string SNAPPED. irritating wth the strings aren't cheappp): now i have to wait till thurs when i go out again to buy them ugh. gonna stay over at her hse on fri cause i can't go home at 4 a.m on sat =/ and maybe i won't go to the party on sat night or maybe just not go for too long hahaha(: ahwell. work tmr again and my sister's coming back from her band camp at 3 i hope she doesn't see my new packet of sweets and eats them all. hahahha idiot she's so dead alr i'm gonna kill her. she took my slippers without telling me SO I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR): i left my other pair at Joy Koh's hse): tgt with my other clothes and hence the horrible dressing today when i went for "dinner" HAHHAH it's not my fault(x i better get the stuff back soon or i'll be really inconvenienced =/ oh and i DIDN'T get lost finding my way to Pacific today! hahaha happyyy(:

2008-11-25T03:01:00.000-08:00

Where are your guts to fly?
Soaring through, through the night
And if you take that last step
I'll follow you
Leave the edge and fly
We're finally alive

meeting Shan for dinner after her work(: WOMAN YOU SUPPOSED TO BUY ME A DRINK(: AND IM SUPPOSED TO BUY YOU LUNCH(x hahaha and you're gonna kill me if you ever see this but oh well. I FORGIVE YOU HAHAHA why do you have to work at such a wierd place =/ where the hell is Pacific Plaza la. ugh sure to get freaking lost on the way thr. better leave my hse at 2 so i dont make you wait HAHAHA and if im early im going to ADIDAS(x

2008-11-23T23:31:00.000-08:00

im so boredddddddd. im so boredddddddddddddddd. someone GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO. ): ugh. i have absolutely nothing to do.

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2008-11-23T02:56:00.000-08:00

Sunday, November 23, 2008. 2:56 AM

i wonder what it means when two people stare across the room at each other, eventhough they have no clue who the other is. and its not a hostile kinda thing. it's more of amusement. hahaha wierdness =/

anyway i seriously think if i dont start getting normal hours of sleep i'm gonna be in big trouble. i slept at like, 3am ytd and woke up today at 7pm. 16 hours of sleep =/ im gonna be nocturnal soon and thats gonna suck hahaha no fun no fun): and my mummy thinks its time i work at her shop. im not saying i dont want to work, it's just that i don't really want to work there. it's so farrrrrrr =/ hahaha but i guess i shld go help her instead of helping a stranger. makes more sense to me(: but i'm gonna be UNDERPAID): hahahaha ok maybe not but she pays the other guy like $50 for 5 hours!! 10$ for an hour! but she's not gonna pay me that much): her reason being "you havent even gotten your o level cert!" argh. fine fine. not very legitimate but whatever, i'll take it(: something like 25$ IF I'M LUCKY. -.- ah well. i need the effing money anyway): no pain no gain(:

SPEAKING OF THAT. I WANT TO GO RUNNINGGGGGGGG. OHMYSHIT. i NEEEEEEEEED to run. what the hell not being able to run is damn wierd. it's becoming an INTENSE CRAVING. shitttt. i need endorphinesssssss and adrenaline(x big big problem cause of my irritating knee which won't heal properly): HEAL FASTER!!):

btw, sorry Jo and Ting for not waking up on time! i was supposed to go to their church at the Expo at 5 and i OVERSLEPT BY ALOT. im so so so sorry! sigh.

2008-11-06T14:24:00.000-08:00

today is just one of those days that i feel the need to mumble incoherently at people. and just laze around and bum around with friends. hm. it's just a day i feel like sitting, staring, and doing nothing. i wonder if other people ever feel the need to just do NOTHING. probably not but who cares. i don't feel like caring today either. hahaha i can't wait for one of those days in the near future, where i'll be able to sit around doing nothing the whole day or just hang with friends the whole day. bliss, i swear. i wonder if time'll pass slowly or quickly when i'm doing nothing =/ i hope it doesn't go by too quickly though. maybe people would die of boredom, but i'd be perfectly happy(: oh no i just remembered. i promised my sister that i'd go watch Twilight with her when it comes out. and i think prom is on the same day a the opening night of that movie =/ oh crap it better not be on the 17th of Nov. i'll just kill myself. shit. ok i think it comes out on the 18th of Dec(: well anyway, eventhough i desperately want it to be one of those days where i can do nothing, sadly today just isn't the day. i've got a thick stack of lit notes to memorise): this is gonna suck. the only consoling thought is that tmr after 11.55 i'm gonna be almost freeee(x

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2008-11-06T02:57:00.000-08:00

Thursday, November 6, 2008 . 2:57 AM

having a screwed up knee is bad for the examinations=/ they made me sit right at the corner and then forgot to collect my scripts both times. brilliant . o level scripts also can omit. not bad. and i swear the air con is freaking cold. it blows straight at you like wind at negative temperatures! its like WINTER. in the hall. while doing a paper. hahaha. nevermind it'll all be over soon. lit on friday will be the second last paper and then it's bio paper 1 and then i'm freeeeee(: oh no but then we have some rehearsal thing after the paper till 12. i don't feel like going for it): maybe i don't have to since i'm injured(: ahaaha fat hope. anyway after that depends on whether Ms SHANNEN LOH has work or not. if not we're gonna get my ears pierced! HAHAHA SHANNEN YOU BETTER BE FREE.(x

2008-10-29T13:18:00.000-07:00

art is finally over. after 1 year of extremely hard work, and extremely bad procrastination, art is finally over. and yet, now i feel wierd that i don't have to do it anymore. don't get me wrong. when i'm doing art i feel as if i'd go mad. but now it has kinda occured to me that i really am gonna miss it. all those nights of not sleeping, desperately trying to rush my work like a mad cow, all those scoldings and naggings i get from Ms Toh for being so slow, i'm gonna miss it all. i don't think i'll ever forget my art teacher(: she's been really hard, but great. i see now that she really was pushing us to do what we already could do, but didn't know we had the potential to do. does that make any sense? Thank you Ms Toh for always being there to kill me and guide me through my tough time with art. although i admit sometimes i think you are a tiny bit unfair. but the impression you've left me with is one of selflessness and encouragement. truthfully, if you hadn't been so strict with me i swear i wouldn't have gotten anything done. you've been a great teacher in my opinion(:

after 1 year of debating whether to quit art or not, after i almost quit art just a month before my paper, after i spent a few nights not sleeping, after wanting to just drop dead and die, after accomplishing my work, after numerous scoldings, after all the fun, after all the blood and sweat, after the experience, art is finally over. and i know i'm gonna miss it(:

2008-10-26T21:26:00.000-07:00

i guess forever lasted longer last time

i've lost track of time. what time what the date is whether it's dark or bright. i have no idea. sometimes i still catch myself procrastinating.

how do i put into words everything thats going through my head right now. i can't wait for o's to be over. i can't wait till i can meet up with my friends again. i can't wait till the stress dies away. i can't wait till i can walk around properly. i can't wait till i can run again. i can't wait till i can go and watch a movie again. i can't wait till i can just sit and do nothing. i can't wait till i can spend time with you. i can't wait till i can burn my books. i can't wait to finally be able to say i'm done. i can't wait till i can dye my hair. i can't wait till i don't get scolded. i can't wait till i can sleep for the whole day. i can't wait to be able to stay out again for a long long time. i guess i can't wait for alot of things huh.

of course there are things that i can wait for, or hope possibly that it won't ever come. i don't want to leave sc. i don't want to leave friends behind. i don't want to say i'm free. i don't want to admit i'm done. i don't want to sit around and feel useless. i don't want to not need to pick up textbooks anymore. i don't want to say "oh yeah no school tmr..". i don't want to constantly remember that i've spent 10 years at that school only. i don't want the day i may have to leave singapore to draw nearer. i don't want to not be able to see you anymore. i don't want to miss that feeling of always being nagged at and hating it. i don't want to have nothing and no one to rebel against. i don't want to not see my classroom again. i don't want to leave my class. i don't want to leave my juniors. i don't want alot of things. just because.

what do i do.